Cheaters
Let me first establish the fact that there are many types of cheating – cheating on a test, cheating your way through a cheap sale (bargain!), cheating death (I may have watched the Final Destination saga on too many occasions), cheating on a game, the list goes on. It’s not always wrong..
In the example of the bargain, it’s just economics. Pareto optimal allocation, you know? As long as both you and the seller are happy, then it’s all good. Cheating on a test might be justified, if say you had walked into the wrong exam hall and were forced to take the exam anyway, finding out that the past one and a half years of A Levels had been little more than a sordid lie. As for cheating death, well… All of you are reading this, aren’t you?
One type of cheating that I know will always be wrong, however, is cheating when you’re in a relationship. Relationships are very tricky to maintain, and they require many, many factors to coordinate together in order to create a workable ‘thing’, if you will. People also say that this thing called ‘love’ is necessary for a relationship to work, that it is the one determining factor that decides whether there is a ‘happily ever after’ or a ‘yours truly, forevermore’, but I beg to differ, for I believe that love itself does not exist.
For all intents and practical purposes though, questions of that arbitrary notion of love aside, a relationship is not a game, and so the rule ‘Don’t hate the player, hate the game’ does not apply. In a relationship, there are two partners involved. Not three, not four, not one, but two. In and through the relationship, it’s likely you will become friends with your partner’s friends, and your partner will become friends with your friends. It’s common knowledge that you should stand with your friends through thick and thin, but when everyone’s at the dinner table together, it’s somewhat difficult to decide whom it is that you should stand with. Maybe all you could do as a friend in such a situation would be to offer advice on what they should or should not do, if they ask for it, but not attempt to dictate, because after all, it’s likely none of your damn business. In the case of cheating, it takes two to tango, and you can’t always blame the cheater’s partner, because the cheater, too, plays a part. Likely, you also have no idea what’s really going on, and you should keep your mouth shut.
One of my many beliefs is; once a cheater, always a cheater. So if he cheated on you, how would you know that he would not cheat on you ever again? Did he say he loved you? If so, why did he hurt you like that in the first place? Did it seriously not occur to him that you would feel betrayed and lied to for days, weeks, possibly even months? Did it not occur to him that you now feel like a complete fool for believing that he was with his friends, playing futsal, when all along he was spending time with another girl?
Think of all those times when you wish you were with him but he wished he was with someone else, and get angry, get ready to throw him away. I know that you’re thinking something around the lines of, “But I love him! I can’t let him go!” Don’t. Let him go. He isn’t worthy of you and your love. You may love him, but he evidently does not reciprocate that love; A relationship does not function in the same way as a one-way street. It takes two hands to clap, and if there is no reciprocity, there cannot be a relationship, and there thus cannot be love.
Why cheat? Why stay with one partner and lie to be with another, when you could easily step away, release all responsibilities and ties, have a clean cut, and so start happily with another? I do not understand it when people try to explain themselves by saying they are afraid of hurting their partner by breaking up with them. Perhaps some people are disturbed like that. They enjoy the thrill of a forbidden love. They are Romeos, and for each of them, there are millions of Juliets to climb over walls for with little thought for any semblance of consequences. Maybe Romeo does think of the consequences, but he also doesn’t think that the Juliet he’s hurting is crucial enough to stop the nonsense. For every action, there is a consequence, and all consequences must be paid for. There is no win-win situation for the cheater. There is simply momentary gratification, and later, just pain, hatred, sadness and bitterness, and another broken heart left shipwrecked in denial. It’s just the way the world works.
The best way to prevent this from happening is to act on it early, before it’s too late, for prevention is better than cure. It’s okay to check on your partner once in a while. Don’t think that you’re being paranoid if you think something is going on. If he/she has nothing to hide, why be angry when you pop up a few questions once in a while? In fact, your partner should be flattered that you’re being attentive and caring towards him/her.
However, there is always a limit. You cannot be too out of line, making impossible demands and asking unreasonable questions. It gets tiring, and it’s not healthy for you or the relationship. Leave space. An understandable and tolerable amount of space, but not too much. And if he/she does start to cheat or simply thinking about making that unforgivable mistake, do not make it easy for him. Give him hell.
Then again, if you have already experienced it all, just hope for one thing - karma. What comes around, goes around; There is always a price to pay.
BY FELICIA LOH
In the example of the bargain, it’s just economics. Pareto optimal allocation, you know? As long as both you and the seller are happy, then it’s all good. Cheating on a test might be justified, if say you had walked into the wrong exam hall and were forced to take the exam anyway, finding out that the past one and a half years of A Levels had been little more than a sordid lie. As for cheating death, well… All of you are reading this, aren’t you?
One type of cheating that I know will always be wrong, however, is cheating when you’re in a relationship. Relationships are very tricky to maintain, and they require many, many factors to coordinate together in order to create a workable ‘thing’, if you will. People also say that this thing called ‘love’ is necessary for a relationship to work, that it is the one determining factor that decides whether there is a ‘happily ever after’ or a ‘yours truly, forevermore’, but I beg to differ, for I believe that love itself does not exist.
For all intents and practical purposes though, questions of that arbitrary notion of love aside, a relationship is not a game, and so the rule ‘Don’t hate the player, hate the game’ does not apply. In a relationship, there are two partners involved. Not three, not four, not one, but two. In and through the relationship, it’s likely you will become friends with your partner’s friends, and your partner will become friends with your friends. It’s common knowledge that you should stand with your friends through thick and thin, but when everyone’s at the dinner table together, it’s somewhat difficult to decide whom it is that you should stand with. Maybe all you could do as a friend in such a situation would be to offer advice on what they should or should not do, if they ask for it, but not attempt to dictate, because after all, it’s likely none of your damn business. In the case of cheating, it takes two to tango, and you can’t always blame the cheater’s partner, because the cheater, too, plays a part. Likely, you also have no idea what’s really going on, and you should keep your mouth shut.
One of my many beliefs is; once a cheater, always a cheater. So if he cheated on you, how would you know that he would not cheat on you ever again? Did he say he loved you? If so, why did he hurt you like that in the first place? Did it seriously not occur to him that you would feel betrayed and lied to for days, weeks, possibly even months? Did it not occur to him that you now feel like a complete fool for believing that he was with his friends, playing futsal, when all along he was spending time with another girl?
Think of all those times when you wish you were with him but he wished he was with someone else, and get angry, get ready to throw him away. I know that you’re thinking something around the lines of, “But I love him! I can’t let him go!” Don’t. Let him go. He isn’t worthy of you and your love. You may love him, but he evidently does not reciprocate that love; A relationship does not function in the same way as a one-way street. It takes two hands to clap, and if there is no reciprocity, there cannot be a relationship, and there thus cannot be love.
Why cheat? Why stay with one partner and lie to be with another, when you could easily step away, release all responsibilities and ties, have a clean cut, and so start happily with another? I do not understand it when people try to explain themselves by saying they are afraid of hurting their partner by breaking up with them. Perhaps some people are disturbed like that. They enjoy the thrill of a forbidden love. They are Romeos, and for each of them, there are millions of Juliets to climb over walls for with little thought for any semblance of consequences. Maybe Romeo does think of the consequences, but he also doesn’t think that the Juliet he’s hurting is crucial enough to stop the nonsense. For every action, there is a consequence, and all consequences must be paid for. There is no win-win situation for the cheater. There is simply momentary gratification, and later, just pain, hatred, sadness and bitterness, and another broken heart left shipwrecked in denial. It’s just the way the world works.
The best way to prevent this from happening is to act on it early, before it’s too late, for prevention is better than cure. It’s okay to check on your partner once in a while. Don’t think that you’re being paranoid if you think something is going on. If he/she has nothing to hide, why be angry when you pop up a few questions once in a while? In fact, your partner should be flattered that you’re being attentive and caring towards him/her.
However, there is always a limit. You cannot be too out of line, making impossible demands and asking unreasonable questions. It gets tiring, and it’s not healthy for you or the relationship. Leave space. An understandable and tolerable amount of space, but not too much. And if he/she does start to cheat or simply thinking about making that unforgivable mistake, do not make it easy for him. Give him hell.
Then again, if you have already experienced it all, just hope for one thing - karma. What comes around, goes around; There is always a price to pay.
BY FELICIA LOH
